you will always have a special place in my vag
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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