stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
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i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
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Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
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