Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
