This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
