he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
