Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
