All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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