just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
