Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
