my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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