I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
