Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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