He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
