I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
