when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
