in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
