why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
