I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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