Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
