I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
