Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
