why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
