Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
