What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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