Ambien. No doubt about it.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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