he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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