I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
