a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
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I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
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I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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