I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
