I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
