You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I love you. Go after that dick
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