happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
