They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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