I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
