sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
