I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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