tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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