my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
