So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
