If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Dicks are not precious.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
