you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
