tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
