Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
