What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
