We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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