Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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