Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize