I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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