the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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