If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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