my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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