the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If I die, sorry about rent.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
