true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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