you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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