I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
