I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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