My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
