1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
