i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
