I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
