life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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