I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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