i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
